It’s been a crazy ride the last few weeks. All the recent great press has increased the visibility of the project and of me. People have written me to offer their appreciation and share intimate details of their lives. I’ve been recognized a few times in public as “that guy in the paper.” As exciting as it’s all been, it can also be overwhelming trying to maintain substantial connections with so many people.  I want to respond to everyone and I’m still figuring out how to do that and do what I need to do for myself to stay vital.

I realized that a lot of the ways people relate to me are a by-product of the image I project. Being calm, wise, loving etc. all the qualities of my highest self. I think it’s great to try to be the best person you can be, but I can see how by trying so hard to be perfect, I wasn’t allowing for my full humanity, and in turn the full humanity of others.  Maybe this realization was spurred by me binge watching 5 seasons of Breaking Bad over the last three weeks and really appreciating their complex portrayal of what it is to be human. I know in my heart there is more to this world that just the material things that we see, and over the last 2 years I have been intensely exploring those dimensions, but I also know life is for living. So here’s a story about my humanity…

The other day I was at ecstatic dance eating some raw peach cobbler and I made eye contact with a beautiful woman. I asked if she wanted to try it and she said yes. She closed her eyes, and slowly…very slowly licked the cobbler off my spoon. She relished the bite so much that I could taste it.

It’s been so exciting getting to know her over the last few weeks. Learning from the way she carries herself in the world, being gently redirected by a subtle question she asks that helps me to realize that I may be too attached to my own perspective, exploring how soft her skin is underneath her collarbone.

Things had been going great until one night she didn’t return one of my text messages. I started freaking out thinking what I said had disrupted the rhythm we had been building. She texted me a few days later asking if I wanted to go to dinner. Even though she initiated hanging out, the text didn’t have exclamation points or smiley faces in it so I was convinced she was going to tell me she didn’t want to see me anymore.

When I finally got a grip and was able to tap into why I had spiraled down that insecurity portal I saw that it didn’t have anything to do with her. It was all me. My fear of abandonment that’s based in my childhood. My fear that if I’m anything less than perfect people won’t love me.

We ended up having a great time at dinner. When I confessed the trip I’d been on she attentively listened and afterwards we laughed about it.

I’m sharing all this for myself. I feel a little afraid that it’s too much, too personal, too _____. But I now know it’s okay to be whatever I am.

So long perfect Garry, now I’m free to be me.